What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 03:56
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Who is someone that inspires you?
I have no regrets .
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why do men think all women are the same?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why did i forgive my father ?
What did i know ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Especially a lifetime of it.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And i lived it daily.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is soul school!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i do to all so called friends.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My family never makes their pension either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He was dying to do it , i knew.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My life is so biszare .
One cannot live in the past .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I said to her
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was 9 years of age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was scared of men, in general
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Would this be the day?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She wouldn,t have been !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I think the readers, may guess!
We all went to grammer schools
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
All the time i was locked up.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I waited trembling.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So, i spoilt her more .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Put me off passion for life!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I write beautiful poetry .
I could never make a relationship work though!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She loved him until the end.
But it wasn’t much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Who then, do I blame.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were not on the streets..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She found it foreign!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But, we were locked up after school.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.